The holidays are over, we are almost mid January, and I am just barely catching up with myself. As Christmas, 2023, approached, I felt more like the Grinch than like Santa. After an intense year of death and birth, I was depleted and drained. With democracy in danger, and climate change escalating, a sense of foreboding landed at my doorstep and stayed. I struggled to maintain an optimistic outlook. I was missing my family in Mexico: daughter, son in law, and baby grandson. My daughter in New York was conserving her energy for a visit to her sister’s family. My granddaughter was possibly coming on Christmas Day but that would depend on numerous variables, none of which were in my control, including weather and Covid. I took no joy in the thought of pulling out all the decorations, putting up a tree, and buying lots of presents when I might just end up with an empty house, echoing with loneliness. Yes, indeed, I was feeling sorry for my lonely little self and sinking into my doom and gloom place.

I put my teachings into practice, acknowledged my emotional state, extended a healthy does of compassion to the lonely little part of myself, and consciously worked on thinking wholesome thoughts. I am grateful for my husband’s steady and naturally upbeat mood even as he is fully aware of our personal and global challenges. Friends, family, students, and clients have all been so loving and supportive. I miss my father and I worry about my mother, acknowledged. Also, focus on the fact that they gave me every privilege and taught me what both my rights and responsibilities are. I had so many deeply fulfilling connections with my family in 2023. My younger daughter and granddaughter visited me over the summer. I stayed with my older daughter and son in law in Mexico for ten days after the birth of their son. And on my way home, saw my youngest sister and her family. It was a year of intensity and contrast.

Keeping my thoughts on gratitude for all that life has given me and acceptance of all that has been taken, I let go of expectations. My husband got a perfect tree. We decorated it. I put all the angels, candles, skiing Santa, and various other Christmas ornaments around the house. Even if my granddaughter couldn’t make it, I felt content. But the stars and planets aligned and she did come. As always, we had a wonderful time together.

Happy as I am that I could be with my father when he died and be with my daughter after the birth of her son, and the many other sweet experiences of 2023, it required effort, energy, and economic resources. Although, and maybe because, I had been able to turn my mood around by Christmas, I found myself resenting the pressure to quickly take it all down, put it away, and get ready to begin 2024. Again, accepting all the feelings, practicing self compassion, and choosing wholesome thoughts, I resisted the “schedule of events” and allowed myself to unwind from the past year and into the new year at my own pace.

As much as I would have loved to reset starting on New Year’s Day, I instead found myself indulging in day drinking and yet another day of over eating with a group of kind friends who really have mastered the art of relaxation and letting go. So the tree just came down last weekend and I have slowly been easing back into my daily meditation and pranayama practice. I haven’t been able to get outside as much as I would like due to multiple snow storms, rain, and icy conditions and I do keep noticing the four boxes of neatly packed Christmas ornaments and decorations that are still stacked in the living room rather than back in the basement.

Oh, well! As in, life is messy but all is well. It brought such a sense of peace and freedom to let go of all the pressures, expectations, time lines and dead lines (emphasize the word DEAD!) and be open to all that is already happening. There is power in the natural flow of life and it is rarely, if ever, delineated by neatly defined beginnings and endings. Shiva, the masculine archetype of yoga, embodies both death and rebirth. He dances with mother earth, following her lead, coming into union with the feminine divine. So almost mid January, I may possibly be coming into balance, releasing the past, allowing the present to be not just what it is but WHEN it is, and the future also will be when it is. Which is not now.

-Regina Trailweaver, 1-12-24